That’s the Way Sex Is:
Kerry Riley was born in Newcastle, Australia and grew up in the 1970’s. After completing a degree in psychology and mathematics his first job was in industrial mathematics. He then taught maths at a boys school. At the age of 26 he wanted to explore more and spent two years travelling the world.
In the East he came across teachings relating to the development of mind, body and spirit. He was amazed to discover that some spiritual practices not only included sex but also revered the study of sensual loving, seeing it as sacred. On returning to Australia he met and married Diane, a woman with a similar background and desire for personal exploration and growth.
Kerry started to teach yoga and meditation, and to practice acupuncture and Chinese Medicine. He developed a highly successful course on personal empowerment called ‘Mindpowers’, which thousands of people attended. He and Diane developed several courses on love, sex and relationships, from beginner to advanced levels.
After one of their workshops, a week-long retreat, the couple was blessed with an awesomely magical lovemaking experience. It was so powerful that for the next 15 years they explored the great traditions of ecstatic sexuality, including Taoist sexology from ancient China and tantra from ancient India, shaman Indian sexuality from North America and sacred women’s sexuality from ancient Babylon. They combined these secrets and practices with the most recent research on sexuality from universities and sex therapists throughout the world, and read and studied extensively with numerous authors and teachers in this field.
Kerry has an extensive background in the human potential area. He has lectured to more than 40,000 people and produced numerous programmes on video and cassette. Together with Diane he was featured in the film Secrets of Sacred Sex – A Guide to Love and Intimacy, which was acclaimed worldwide. They are the authors of the bestselling book Sexual Secrets for Men – What Every Woman Will Want Her Man to Know, and conduct practical programmes in relationships and sensual loving.
Their most recent work provides men with a unique experience in tantra. Private lessons can be arranged with a tantric goddess skilled in the arts of love and sensuality.
Kerry and Diane Riley live on the northern beaches of Sydney. Besides teaching Tantra, Kerry enjoys surfing, which he does almost every day, salsa dancing, family life with his three children, Soelae, Lisa and Sam, and most of all making love with Diane
Sex has always been of central importance [to me]. When I was younger it preoccupied my mind and every time I met a woman I’d be thinking about the possibility of getting into bed with her. When I met my wife Diane we made love practically every day and sex was something that took us into a beautiful connected space. Through our sexual loving I felt closer than I felt to any other human being. When we met, both Diane and I were involved in yoga and meditation to find a deeper meaning in life, and in searching many teachings for a way of life that spoke to us on a spiritual level. But we also loved the raw, sexual, physical sensations of having sex. Our discovery of tantric sex was a true blessing because it showed us a way of connecting our sexuality with our spirituality. It gave us three important ideas:
1. How to turn sex into making love
2. Pleasure into ecstasy
3. Partnership into union
These three element s have been the cornerstone to our 20 year relationship. Sexuality is the juice that allows us to keep magic happening in our lives together and is why sexuality has been, and still is, so important to us both.
As a child I was taught, as I am sure many people were, that the way to God was through prayer and going to church. However, these things never gave me any profound experience of God. Through sexual union with my beloved I have a tangible experience of the divine of God, or the Goddess, or whatever one wants to call it. I have touched spaces of feeling a deep connectedness, not only to my beloved but to the whole cosmos. Precious moments of deep love and states of higher consciousness. When it happens like that it is magic, it is a doorway to enlightenment. I find it far more spiritual than going to church.
In my twenties I spent two years in Asia, mostly in India. The last six months away I was really sick with a tropical illness and I was exhausted. When I arrived back in Australia I had an interest in sex, but couldn’t make love more than once a week without feeling exhausted. I had lost my Chi. As a young man so connected to his sexuality I was devastated. It took me to the edge.
It was only through the teaching and practices of the ancient Chinese Taoist sexologists that I regained my drive. I learnt the secrets of ejaculation control and ways to make love over and over again without physical loss of energy. It taught me to what every young man dreams about: being able to make love for as long as he likes, confident he is able to keep up with the physical needs of any woman. Of course I discovered later and know well no0w that lovemaking isn’t just how you perform, how may strokes you can do; it is how much love you can send to your partner through your wand of light that really counts.
Something that really turned my life around was an experience I had with Diane. It happened after a week-long workshop we were conducting clled ‘Awakening Another Reality’, which worked on opening people up to new dimensions physically, emotionally and spiritually. We had been away in the bush for two weeks. When we returned home we were at a very high level of consciousness. Diane and I created a lovemaking session that had all the elements of ceremony. Although we knew nothing of such rituals at the time, it just naturally happened. After about two hours Diane’s whole face changed. I have never seen her looking so beautiful. She said to me ‘Your eyes are golden’. She literally saw my eyes as gold. She was seeing something beyond me and it felt so wonderful, beyond this earth entirely. After that there was a period in timelessness and no thought. We woke up stunned after the experience and were more deeply in love than ever before. We didn’t tell anybody about it for many years until we read about a tantric experience almost exactly the same as our won. To us this extraordinary experience was a gift, and a clear message to seek this path further in our lives, and we both felt blessed.
It is said in tantric writings that when a couple is in sexual bliss the angels of love come and dance on the ceiling, and Shaktia and Shiva take on human form. Whatever happened it touched our lives for ever and was an inspiration that made us want to share it with others. Sacred sex became not only our interest but our profession. We did the video, Secrets of Sacred Sex: A guide to Love and Intimacy, which sold over 200,000 copies worldwide and we wrote a great book, Sexual Secrets for Men: What Every Woman Will Want Her Man to Know, which has helped and continues to help thousands of people on their journey into love.
Men can learn to open their hearts so that during lovemaking they are feeling as much energy in their heart as they are in their genitals. Then sex becomes lovemaking and that’s a big difference. Second, they can learn the skills of ejaculation control, to be able to make love over and over again or at least as long as they want to. Long enough to feel the love that is happening, rather than concentrating on his or her orgasm. Third, they can learn to experience whole body orgasm rather than love ejaculation. Fourth, they can learn to create a sacred experience with their lovemaking, one that will touch them and their partner on every level: body, heart and soul.
These are some of the skills of tantra. Our video and workshops teach these skills; however, what really counts is having the experience. But how do you get the experience? At my men’s seminars, men would often express a concern that they didn’t have anyone to practice with, they were not confident about trying some of these practices with a new lover or their partner wasn’t interested. Through Diane’s women’s workshops, she has connections with some single women who were skilled in the arts of tantra and who were willing to guide in the practices of sacred love. This was only for men who authentically wanted to learn and who were willing to meet these women first to see if there was a mutual attraction.
In ancient times there were women who lived in the temples of Aphodite, the goddess of love and sensuality. They were the temple priestesses, who would use their lovemaking skills for healing and transformation, to give a man a tangible experience of the love of the goddess Aphrodite and a connection to the sacred.
There is no better way to learn tantra than with a woman experience in the arts of the goddess. A client, Scott, who had studied with me, related this story after a couple of sessions with Jasmine, who had been trained in the arts of tantra and Taoist techniques. He said, ‘I felt completely nurtured and pampered in the arms of the goddess. I experienced that I could handle higher levels of pleasure without fear of ejaculating too soon. I trusted her enough to open my heart and she helped me verbalise my feelings. It was an invaluable practice in ways of giving a woman greater pleasure, both physically and emotionally. It was a relief to be able to ask questions and get guidance without being put down like had happened to me previously. My marriage of eight years was difficult for the last three years. My wife was always criticizing me for not lasting long enough. Sex was hardly happening between us. After our break-up, whenever I met a new woman I would find myself avoiding getting too intimate with her in case she discovered I was not the best lover. Recently I met a lady I really liked and even though I read about tantra I found myself not game to introduce her to it; I guess I was afraid. However, now that I have had the practice with Jasmine I feel so much more confident about trying it with others. It has been an extremely valuable experience for me.’
By having an experience of a woman skilled in the arts of the temple priestess a man clearly gets to see that he can develop to be a far better lover.
Exercises – How to Keep the Sparkle in your Sex Life
There are a lot of people that don’t even try to spice up their sex life. They just go along with their lives and expect their love life will look after itself. Career, money, family and kids become their main concerns. Then they wonder why their partner cheated or whey there is no passion like before. I know you love your partner, but are you ‘in love’ with them? Other couples realize after a few years that they are losing that ‘in love’ passionate sex and they seek help, which can be marriage counselors, books, videos, romantic holidays, sexual-enhancing performance drugs, threesomes. All can help –different couples use different things at different stages of their relationship.
Many Couples that consult us know what they should do but their modern busy lifestyle gets in the way of their good intentions. There are two exercises we have found that get the best results in the long term. I think one of the main reasons that they work is that they are simple, they don’t take long.
This is an appreciation exercise. One of the problems of marriage is that often each of us feels that we are not being appreciated for what we do. This is because we forget to voice our appreciation of love. Commonly we do not realize that we get into the habit of finding what our partner does wrong. We need to make it a daily practice to scan all the things they do and find something they are doing ‘right’ and tell them how much we enjoy it. When was the last time you told your beloved that you really appreciated the meals they cook? That you think he or she is doing a great job with the kids and you really appreciate them organizing social events. During the next couple of days, whenever your partner gives you a suggession about something, try saying ‘That’s a great idea’. Even though you may not intend to take action, at least give them some acknowledgement, say ‘That is a great idea, thanks for that, I will consider it!’, ‘I really appreciate the cooked dinner’.
So often a man takes it for granted that his partner knows he appreciates what she does. Women also often take it for granted that the man knows he is appreciated. Sometimes a woman won’t say something because she is still angry about all the things he does that she doesn’t like. Because she never acknowledges him why should he acknowledge her? It grows into a competition for power. As team mates in love we should be empowering each other to feel good, but instead we often get into the habit of fault finding and they only empower each other to feel bad.
Take 5 minutes out of your day, away from kids, and everything else, sit opposite each other, hold hands, put some heart-touching background music on, close your eyes and for a minute start thinking about all the things that you appreciate about your partner. Open your eyes and then take turns in sharing five things you appreciate. You say five, your partner simply says ‘Thankyou’, they they say five. Repeat it, another five things each, and let this go on for a period of up to five minutes.
This is a very powerful exercise, but it is almost a waste of time reading it without doing it. It is so simple you may think it won’t make a difference. Do it for a week, see what happens. A lot of me might think this has nothing to do with spicing up their sex life. That is where they are wrong. It has everything to do with it, as you will discover. Try it for one week soon.
By Kerry Riley - Tantra Master http://www.tantragoddessdirectory.com.au
Disclaimer - Any general advice given in any article should not be relied upon and should not be taken as a substitute for visiting a qualified medical Doctor.