Article by Shirley Hicks

TEN GUIDELINES FOR CLEAN COMMUNICATION

1. AVOID JUDGEMENTAL WORDS AND LOADED TERMS
   eg childish behaviour, acting helpless, thoughtless as usual
   
   
2.  AVOID GLOBAL LABELS
   eg he is stupid, sexist, crazy
   
   
3. AVOID “YOU” MESSAGES OF BLAME AND ACCUSATION
   eg you never go anywhere with me
   “You” message - You’re always spoiling our evening by showing up late
   “I” message - When you come home late I feel sad about missing the evening with you
   Using I Messages removes blame and direct causation
   
   
4.  AVOID OLD HISTORY
   
   
5.  AVOID NEGATIVE COMPARISONS – their sole function is to punish and attack- they never resolve the problem
   
   
6.  AVOID THREATS – the basic purpose of a threat is to say, “If your bad, I’m going to punish you”
   
   
7.  DESCRIBE YOUR FEELINGS, RATHER THAN ATTACK WITH THEM.
   Eg I’m sad and tearful.
   Attacking with your feelings makes them a weapon
   
   
8.  KEEP BODY LANGUAGE OPEN AND RECEPTIVE
   
   
9.  USE WHOLE MESSAGES – these consist of observations, thoughts, feelings, needs and wants
   Observations – statements of facts that are neutral without judgement or inference eg Yesterday it rained non stop
   Thoughts – your beliefs and opinions, theories and interpretation of a situation eg my idea was, I wondered if, I suspect that, I worried that Take responsibility for your opinion
   Feelings – very important part of the message
   Needs - Use “I’ eg I need a break. Own your needs.
   
   
10.  USE CLEAR MESSAGES – clear messages separate observations, opinions, feelings and needs. Contaminated messages mix or mislabel these components to create hurt and confusion.
    Eg “You’re talkative as usual “ – Contaminated thought
    “I notice you’re pretty quiet tonight (Observation).
    It makes me think that you’re not interested in me (thought) and I feel hurt and a little angry (feeling).
    I’d really like you to talk with me more (need)” – Clear message
    

9 Feb 2011

Last Update: 10 Feb 2011

Article/Information supplied by Shirley Hicks

Disclaimer - Any general advice given in any article should not be relied upon and should not be taken as a substitute for visiting a qualified medical Doctor.

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